A Nasty Flu

I came down with a nasty stomach flu yesterday; I was pretty sick. I am much better today, though still weak, and my stomach hasn’t been able to tolerate much more than mush all day. But the thing that was really of concern to me, though this may seem strange, is that when I got on the scale today, I had lost nearly 5 ½ lbs, whereas last week I lost only 8/10 of a pound; clearly the big weight loss had to do with the terrible purging my body went through yesterday. Now that, you might say, is just a reward for the terrible day I went through, and wouldn’t anyone be thrilled with those results? The problem is, all I can think about is that the weight loss, so sudden, so dramatic, will only be fleeting, and I am already worrying about my body reclaiming those pounds as soon as I get back on my feet. A normal body will rebound after such a set-back, that’s a healthy response, yet here I am worrying that my body will do just that.
I am so worried about it, that this evening, when I finally started to feel my appetite return, I ignored it, and wanted to stick to my starvation diet, for fear my body would betray me, by regaining those pounds. How silly of me! How sad, and how silly, that I could be so unkind to myself. Instead of comforting myself, and nursing myself back to complete health, without regard for calories, or fear of what the consumption of those calories will do; just as I would do for anyone I cared for.
What is to be done with this kind of craziness? I guess, the best thing I can do, is to remember that when I allow my compulsion to be thin, to reign higher than my desire to be healthy, red flags should go a-blazing! I need to summon that calm, sane voice deep within me, the one that I know is there, but sometimes simply gets lost in my age-old desire to be perfect. For I guess, compulsive eating and anorexic tendencies are really opposite sides of the same coin, either way, they are an expression of an unhealthy relationship to food, and even more alarming, one’s own body.
So I have allowed myself to indulge in these unhealthy thoughts for long enough. Scale be damned. Body, do what you will do, whatever you need to do to heal. I will love you any way, and if when I get on the scale again, all my net loss is another 8/10 of a pound, I will accept it gratefully, for it will have been honestly fought for, and won. But for now, excuse me, please, I’m going to go fix myself a snack.

"Who's Driving the Bus?"

Well, I have Kat, of Kat’s Adventures in Dietland, to thank for the inspiration in my blog today: http://katdoesdiets.blogspot.com/ In her post yesterday, she was talking about how she hungers for lots of followers on her blog, and her other posts, because that equates to getting an A+, and she realized that high grades are very important to her because they make her feel validated (or “good enough” in my words); and further, that the same thinking carries over to her “grades” on the scale. She needs that A+ ( a big number on the scale) for her dieting efforts: that stamp of approval, saying she has done well. These were two very important insights for her. And it was very inspired thinking, I think, because it really helped me to have an epiphany, as well!
I, too, have spent my whole life looking for approval from others, I too, have hungered for connection with other human beings; I longed to have people in my life who could tell me that I was OK, and that I was enough, and that I’d done well; people who would encourage me. Unfortunately, much of the time I not only did not get that, but got opposite messages instead: I wasn’t acceptable as I was; and the messages I carried away were deeply damaging: I was somehow deeply flawed, my inability to be the weight that I was “supposed” to be, my inability to have “will power”, my failure to look like the girls in the magazines, all summed up who I was as a human being, and it wasn’t a good grade, that’s for sure. And what bigger way to fail is there than as a human being?
The biggest consequence of not measuring up was that, in my mind, I was therefore not lovable. Every pound that I gained was like another arrow at my self-esteem; every bathing suit that I could not wear; every pair of jeans that I couldn’t get into; every meaningful look of pity, was a wound that dug deep and left scars.
So, even though today I am a grown-up, in charge of my own life, no longer dependent on the approval of others for my very survival, I have internalized those messages so that they reverberate through my daily life; still like, a child, I hunger to be loved, to be approved of, to be good enough, to be acceptable. I am embarrassed to say how old I am and still being motivated by these desires.
Sometimes living for approval comes in handy, that obsessive-compulsive approach to dieting can bring a lot of determination and tenacity. But, unfortunately, it’s like building a house of cards; sooner or later, they tumble. If my house isn’t built on solid ground, it will collapse. If my motivation is about pleasing you, then all the self-will in the world will not see me to my goal.
Today, I try to remember that the across-the-board kind of approval I long for is a ghost of the past, irrelevant in my adult world. And to be honest, this insecure, afraid-of-her-own-shadow Jackie is only a very small part of who I really am. Sometimes she’s driving the bus, but still, she is really only a speck on the radar, compared to the healthy part of me. That part of me that knows her own worth; knows that I am worth it; knows that I am strong, and beautiful and just perfect, just the way I am.
I have to remember that even though that old wounded me wants to be in charge of making the appraisals of how well I’ve done, she’s not really qualified. Would I hand important life-affecting decisions over to a child? Of course not; so, gently I need to wrest the power out of her hands, and into mine, the grown-up. That grown-up who knows how to be patient, to be kind, to set realistic and feasible goals, and knows, that ultimately, I am the only person that I need to please. Also, that some people will like me, and others will not, but that’s OK; and that sometimes I will have great success, and other times, I will have opportunities for growth… and it’s all good.

Clear Day

My reason for blogging is that I want to reach out to others who understand what it is to live with compulsive behavior. I say "behavior" because it is not only the compulsive eating that causes me pain, but also the compulsive thinking about my body: how I look, how others think of me, and whether others see me as fat or can I “pass” for "normal". Also, my thinking about food, what I will allow myself to eat, or not eat, is also pretty compulsive, because, it can take up a lot of my energy.
The sad fact is, I don't know myself. I don't have a clear image of myself. I think of myself as much "fatter" than I know I actually am, but I can't shake these feelings of low self-esteem. All I know is, I am often very uncomfortable in my own skin, but this is at its worst when I am indulging in my compulsive behaviors.
On the other hand, when I am eating "sober", being good to myself by fulfilling my needs through healthy outlets, and not indulging in toxic foods like sugar, white flour, or highly processed foods, I am like a different person. Depression lifts, lethargy fades, and hope returns.
I am, currrently, 29 days "clean". For now, at least, I have got the cravings for sugar pretty much behind me; once I give it up, the cravings do subside. But I still struggle with wanting to eat more than I physically need. To help me keep in check, I am counting calories; simple, but it helps me stay accountable for my own behavior, and has helped to reduce my impulse to be dishonest.
Preparing fresh, wholesome food for myself on a daily basis is a challenge, because if I come home from work tired, and I often do, it's difficult to get the motivation, and energy, I need to prepare a healthy meal.
But, I am proud that I have hung in there for a month now; so far, I’m down 5 lbs. However, I am trying to remember that it’s not about the “numbers”, it’s so much more about my health, but especially about my mental health. When I am giving in to my desire to medicate, and numb my feelings with food, I am opening the door to emotional chaos. I don’t want that. I may want the immediate gratification that overeating, or eating “illegal” foods, can give, but it’s an empty sort of fulfillment, and one that comes with more pain than pleasure.
It’s true, sometimes I can be slow to learn, and need to be taught again and again. God knows I have lived through this enough that I should have learned it well, and long ago, but I guess, for now at least, I am holding on to this sanity and cherishing it. Maybe that deep appreciation for this precious state of balance will give me the boost of encouragement needed to see me through. I must be on the right track, because at least now I can see the road signs, before they were lost in the haze.

The Journey

Well, I weighed-in this morning, two days late because the battery in my scale was dead, and I was only 8/10 of a pound less than 9 days ago! Now some people might want to give in to a defeatist attitude, but I am trying my best to not go there. I read that lowering your calories by 500 a day should show up as a 1 lb loss per week. Now, hard as it may seem to believe, I wasn’t sure I could manage a 500 calorie reduction, so I settled for a range of 250-500 calories a day. That may seem crazy to some of you, but I had to face what I was capable of doing. Giving up sugar, white flour and processed foods has been hard enough, also reducing the number of calories by 500 just seemed more than I could comfortably manage, so I had to be realistic about what I was capable of doing. I knew if I set the bar too high, I would be setting myself up for failure. So, though I wanted to indulge myself in self-pity, I refused to go there, instead, I looked at the fact that the numbers are going down, not up, as they had been; and that since I began, 25 days ago, I have lost a total of 5 pounds, and that is progress, and I need to give myself credit, where credit is due.
Also, I realized something yesterday, although I’ve been stingy with my carbs (often I have only ½ c of oatmeal and 1 slice of whole grain bread as my carbs for the whole day) but yesterday I also had ½ c of brown rice at lunch, and I was amazed at how much better I did in the evening, overall, I took in fewer calories, because I felt satisfied, and wasn’t constantly looking for something else to eat. So that was a good lesson: more means less!
I was also thinking about body image and how it affects my progress. I know when I am feeling bad about myself, giving myself negative messages, I don’t do well with my food, it’s like I need to lick my wounds and medicate with food. But when I am feeling positive, and giving myself affirmations, I feel upbeat, positive and optimistic.
When I am not beating myself up with “You’re not good enough “ messages, I am able to focus on all that’s right with the work that I am doing, and, that this is about the journey, not the destination. There are a lot of rewards all along the way, as well, not just the grand “prize” at the end of the road. So I need to remember that; I need to affirm that eating sober is reward in, and of, itself.

Unfolding to the Beauty Within

I was just thinking about last night’s episode of Biggest Loser, and wondering why it is we all have to suffer so much to reach that part of ourselves that is capable of self-nurturing – without having to go through hell to do it. I felt upset about both of the incidents that occurred last night, one with Migdalia, and the other with Melissa, both having been spurred, or caused, by Jillian.
First, her attack on Migdalia: although I realize Jillian was not, as Migdalia thought, calling her a “bad mother”, rather, I believe she was trying to say that we are destined to repeat the mistakes of our role models, if we don’t allow ourselves to understand what it is that makes us tick, and then do something about it. I am sure she was referring to Migdalia’s obesity, but also to her inability to express her emotions, and that this inability was greatly the cause of her obesity in the first place. So, on the surface, I agreed with Jillian. But she is like a bull in a china shop. What is it that makes her feel that it’s OK to beat the crap out of someone to get them to face their issues? She is not a therapist ( and would be a highly abusive one if she were) and has no right to play one; and it really infuriates me that, week after week , she does just that.
What she does have correct, I believe, is that no one has those kind of weight problems without a trunk full of issues. And often, I know, she has helped people work through them, Maria and her fear of water, is a case in point. But the fact that is she is down right brutal in the gym, and also, often in her approach toward people interpersonally (her treatment of Melissa, for example, when she didn’t believe that Melissa hadn’t intentionally “thrown” the weigh-in) is really disturbing to me. The only time she’s nice, is when she thinks she’s getting someone to “crack”, so that they will expose a raw nerve, and have a breakthrough in their emotional battle against the weight. She has the right idea, but the worst manner of going about it that I could ever imagine. This is emotional abuse, and for all these people, who have obviously suffered enough, I am disturbed to witness this, week after week.
In fact, I am deeply disturbed about the whole brutal approach to weight loss on the show. Imagine losing five pounds in one week and have that be cause for shame, because everyone around you is dropping ten, fifteen, even twenty pounds, in one week? It’s absolute insanity. Any qualified individual will tell you that weight loss, at that rate, is extremely bad for you; the body experiences it as starvation, how good can that be? And statistics tell us that the faster you lose the weight, the greater your chances of gaining it all back, and then some. It takes a slow, steady, profound change in lifestyle, and attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors – we are talking about radical life changes, from the ground up – to lose that kind of weight - and keep it off - this does not happen overnight. That’s why so many people who have lost significant amounts of weight, but have not changed radically from within, often gain all, or most of their weight back.
The science of weight loss has been revolutionized in the last five years, they are beginning to understand so much more about the chemistry in the body as it gains, or loses weight, and why; also the body’s reactions to certain foods, or food types, or the deprivation of certain foods. For instance, the attitude about fat in our diet has been completely revolutionized; we were always told, “stay away from fat!” But now they’re saying that we absolutely need fat in our diet in order to lose weight; it just has to be healthy fat, like olive oil, avacado, and even (gasp) coconut oil. But the medical science behind the show does not seem to keep up with this information. They are constantly recommending foods that are processed, not whole grain, artificial sweeteners, low fat or non fat (which the most modern research shows is bad, not only for your body, but makes losing weight, ultimately, more difficult.)
It may sound like I hate the show, I don’t, I am a devoted fan; but what I am attracted to is the personal transformation that happens inside of the people, the insights they have as to why they got so sick in the first place; and of course, the realization of personal life-dreams. It’s very uplifting and very inspiring in many, many ways. But it bothers me that the contestants feel that they deserve such brutal treatment. It’s amazing to me that some of them don’t get one look at the typical workout on the ranch and head for the hills. Not because they are weak, or wimps, but because they are too sane to participate in such insanity. Their brutal 4-6 hour daily work-outs would be killing for athletes, for people who have, in many cases, never exercised before, it could, literally, be deadly. Several of those older participants looked like they were ready to drop dead last season! I’ve only been watching the show for three seasons, and I’ve already seen two stress fractures that occurred – stress fractures! Not from falling down the stairs, or a car accident, but from exercise that was so stressful it cracked the participant’s bone! And realistically, how many of these people will be able to sustain these workouts in order to keep the weight off?
Am I the only one who is a little freaked out by this? Can’t we find a middle ground between deprivation and indulgence, which doesn’t involve walking through the fires of hell to get there? Can’t we suspend our national obsession with immediate gratification when it comes to matters of our health? How about working on the problem from the inside out, looking at what made us so sad, or angry, or grief-stricken that we ate our way into that state in the first place?

A New Day

I am sitting on top of the world Ladies and Gentlemen! Today is my fifth day keeping track of my calories and keeping a food log; and it is my 18th day of being free of sugar! Yahoo! Letting go of the sugar had great immediate results as far as my emotions were concerned: that profound depression went away; but I realized that just because I was sugar-free did not mean that I was free of compulsive eating. And I am here to tell you, when I am eating compulsively, I feel awful. My emotions were still all over the map, and the worst part was, I was still in “diet-mode”: still coming from a place of depriving myself, however, despite the deprivation, I still wasn’t showing any results on the scale.
Because there were times during the day when I was still eating for the pure sake of eating, and doing a lot of lying to myself re: serving size and frequency of meals, I was still off-kilter emotionally. Yet I was feeling confused about this because, I thought: “I’m on a diet! I’m sugar-free! Why do I feel so awful?” But what I was forgetting, is that compulsive behavior is compulsive behavior, no matter how you slice it.
Even though my binges were highly controlled binges, they were still binges, creating the same kind of emotional havoc as when I was much more out of control. So, one day, when I was reading Diana’s blog: http://diana135.blogspot.com/ I was inspired to keep a record of every thing I put in my mouth. I began keeping a food journal, and then it seemed the natural next step to start counting calories, as well.
Almost immediately, I began to feel better. It was like I’d taken the steering wheel away from my inner child, and the adult was now driving. I could trust myself to not eat way more than I needed. Now that I knew I had to write down, and tally, every morsel of food, it discouraged me from overeating, because I knew I would be held accountable. And oddly, that sense of responsibility felt good.
I am also going pretty easy on myself. Though I am trying to reign in the number of calories I am consuming, I am not coming from a “diet” perspective. Dieting, for me, is punishment; I needed to put a more positive spin on it. For instance, that my goal was health, not thin-ness; that my goal was to feel emotionally balanced instead of being on an emotional rollercoaster.
Now, I know I need to proceed with caution here: there are no foolproof methods, and we are all subject to fall, no mater how perfectly we do the steps. It’s human nature, and this addiction is highly complex. But I do know certain truths: for right here and now, it is working; I am feeling better; I feel sane; I feel balanced and I feel grateful. So thank you, all of you who have been so supportive.

Filling the God Hole

I’ve struggled and struggled with my food, trying to figure out the magic combination of actions to help me conquer my compulsion to eat. I’ve come up with many things that help, mentally: yoga, meditation, journaling, being creative, having fun; physically: whole foods, lots of fresh veggies and fruit, sufficient protein, healthy fats, wholesome snacks, adequate exercise. I’ve found several approaches that have been enormously helpful: consistency; positive, like-minded people to share my journey with; and finding a balance between over- zealousness and laziness. Emotionally: being gentle with myself, praising myself a lot, being forgiving, and remembering my true worth has nothing to do with my jean size.
In their way, each of these are pearls of wisdom, and many times I’ve discovered one of these truths, only to think that I had found THE ANSWER and that I would never struggle again, ever; because it seems like that, when something is really working, you feel undefeatable. But then, for some reason, it stops working, and your perfect smugness melts away into humility once more. Now, that’s not a bad thing, humility is a good thing, it helps us to remember that we can’t do this alone. And no matter how much we think we have it all figured out, we don’t, and we need help. Twelve Step programs call it accepting our powerlessness (over our disease) and then recognizing that we need help from a higher power.
So I guess you could say I need to take that first step over and over again. For some reason, I keep forgetting that I don’t know it all. Then I’ve got to get humble again, ask for help and start anew. It’s true, I do know a lot, I’ve made a career out of studying the science of weight loss and the psychology of addiction, but there’s a missing little piece to the puzzle that can’t be found in the textbooks, it can only be found in the human heart.
And maybe that’s the thing that I keep forgetting: Nurture yourself, Jackie; love yourself. Give yourself lots of little gifts (a 30 minute break from housework, to play the guitar; a walk in the woods; a funny movie with a friend; time alone to draw; an hour of silence) I love the expression I heard in the various 12 Step programs I’ve visited, the “rooms”, as they’re called: That when we are ingesting inordinate amounts of various substances , in this case, food, we are trying to fill a void, an emptiness that’s so hollow and steep, there is no filling it, and that’s what the rooms call “The God Hole”; it’s an insatiable desire, because no substance can fill that spiritual longing. By this, I do not mean religion, I mean an intimate relationship with ourselves, for when we dig deep enough, that is God. And yes, nurturing my spirit is spirituality, because it is the truest, deepest, most authentic part of me.
But like I said, I keep forgetting. I get caught up in the busy-ness of my life, I allow the demands and responsibilities I face each day to consume me; I take on, as my problem, things that should be handed back to their rightful owners, and then I lose sleep over it; I forget that I am more than just what I do. I get caught on that conveyor belt of life and forget to stop and smell the roses; hell they’re whirring by so fast, I don’t even see the roses. So, I need stop, check-in with myself, remember that it is the journey, not the destination that matters: how I go about it, how I treat the people who I come across along the way, including myself; and it is never OK to beat myself up because of my frailties, they a part of me and part of what makes me whole.

So, to borrow another expression from the rooms, I guess I’m right where I need to be. If I can find complete acceptance of this moment, and gratitude for everything that’s right and good, I’ll be OK, damn, more than OK, because at least, for the moment, I’ve let go of the struggle, and that feels good.