Monday, January 17, 2011
I have been away from my blog for nine months, I was going through a lot of inward struggle, and I was having a hard time figuring out where I was at in regard to all of this weight-loss stuff. I was beginning to question my entire approach to weight-loss, but more importantly, my relationship to my own body. I felt that my constant scrutiny of everything I ate, my weight, my size, were all ways of punishing myself, and that my “problem” with my body was more about a problem feeling comfortable with myself. If I could find true self-love, I knew, my weight would automatically balance itself.
But, in embracing that attitude, I seemed to ‘throw the baby out with the bath water’, in that, I rejected everything I was doing. The problem was, not everything was punitive. Finding support from other bloggers for instance, is a very positive way to help keep us honest and on-track. I know I have missed that support, and I would like to add it back into my life.
As for my weight, it’s virtually unchanged, I have avoided the scale, because I used it to beat myself up, and it made me crazy, but my clothes all fit pretty much the same. I suppose I should count that as progress (as long as it’s not negative progress, it’s progress, huh?) but the fact is I want to lose weight, have for a couple of years, but make zero progress.
I am convinced that it’s emotional that keeps the weight on, my diet is very good, I eat very healthy and get regular exercise, I just can’t seem to budge. So, for now, I feel like I’ve got to give up trying. Because all that trying-and-failing is doing, is making me feel bad about myself, and that certainly is no way to reach my goal.
So, my new year’s resolution was not lose x number of pounds, as it always is, but rather, “be healthy”, “get exercise”, “have fun”, and most importantly, “feel comfortable in my own skin”. That, for now, is a big enough goal!