Monday, January 4, 2010
Acts of Kindness
Well, I had a much better day yesterday. In the first place, I felt much more centered, the anger was gone and I really began to feel a clear-headedness that I haven’t felt in a long time; I also felt very proud of my fifth day of abstinence.
I realized that I have to steer clear of the kind of behaviors that got me into this mess in the first place: ignoring my own feelings, putting other people’s needs before my own (and I realize that’s an addiction too: it’s co-dependency, being driven to fix every situation, or take control of it, and that’s just not possible.) I’ve got to learn to accept my own limits as a human being, and not take on everyone else’s “stuff” in addition to my own.
For instance, I cannot get my 13 year-old son out of bed to get to the bus on time; I make myself sick over it, to the point that I get upset, don’t have time to take care of my own needs (like my yoga and meditation routine) and sometimes even make myself late for work. A Co-Dependent’s Anonymous meeting would tell me, straight out, that I need to back off; let my son miss the bus, repeatedly if need be, and then he’d be forced to feel the consequences; maybe then he would change. But I never let him go through this process, I always have to “save” him, fix him, make it right. But of course, in so doing, I’m not fixing anything; I’m only encouraging his weakness, or enabling him, as they say.
So what does all of this have to do with over-eating? Everything. I am surrounded with these situations on a daily basis; add to that a stressful work schedule, frustration at not being able to spend more time being creative, etc., etc., etc., and there you have it: the perfect set-up for a woman who forgets to take care of herself. The one way she does consistently try to take care of herself is by putting food in her mouth that “comforts” her, unfortunately, the comfort lasts about ten seconds.
So I need to guard myself from those kind of behaviors as much as from grazing when I am not hungry, or telling myself, “just this once.” Which means I have to be conscious, and in touch with my deepest inner voice: the one that always guides me in the right direction: the one that comes from my solar plexus. But in order to benefit from that oh-so-quiet wisdom, I must be still long enough to hear it. And that means, not letting anything get between me and my self nurturing, especially my meditation, and my yoga, because, for me, they’re both life savers!
So today I make a promise to the world: I will do my meditation, my yoga, a walk, eat healthy, look for the humor in all situations, do something kind for someone, and if I do all of these things, I will also be doing something kind for myself.