Sunday, January 17, 2010
A New Day
I am sitting on top of the world Ladies and Gentlemen! Today is my fifth day keeping track of my calories and keeping a food log; and it is my 18th day of being free of sugar! Yahoo! Letting go of the sugar had great immediate results as far as my emotions were concerned: that profound depression went away; but I realized that just because I was sugar-free did not mean that I was free of compulsive eating. And I am here to tell you, when I am eating compulsively, I feel awful. My emotions were still all over the map, and the worst part was, I was still in “diet-mode”: still coming from a place of depriving myself, however, despite the deprivation, I still wasn’t showing any results on the scale.
Because there were times during the day when I was still eating for the pure sake of eating, and doing a lot of lying to myself re: serving size and frequency of meals, I was still off-kilter emotionally. Yet I was feeling confused about this because, I thought: “I’m on a diet! I’m sugar-free! Why do I feel so awful?” But what I was forgetting, is that compulsive behavior is compulsive behavior, no matter how you slice it.
Even though my binges were highly controlled binges, they were still binges, creating the same kind of emotional havoc as when I was much more out of control. So, one day, when I was reading Diana’s blog: http://diana135.blogspot.com/ I was inspired to keep a record of every thing I put in my mouth. I began keeping a food journal, and then it seemed the natural next step to start counting calories, as well.
Almost immediately, I began to feel better. It was like I’d taken the steering wheel away from my inner child, and the adult was now driving. I could trust myself to not eat way more than I needed. Now that I knew I had to write down, and tally, every morsel of food, it discouraged me from overeating, because I knew I would be held accountable. And oddly, that sense of responsibility felt good.
I am also going pretty easy on myself. Though I am trying to reign in the number of calories I am consuming, I am not coming from a “diet” perspective. Dieting, for me, is punishment; I needed to put a more positive spin on it. For instance, that my goal was health, not thin-ness; that my goal was to feel emotionally balanced instead of being on an emotional rollercoaster.
Now, I know I need to proceed with caution here: there are no foolproof methods, and we are all subject to fall, no mater how perfectly we do the steps. It’s human nature, and this addiction is highly complex. But I do know certain truths: for right here and now, it is working; I am feeling better; I feel sane; I feel balanced and I feel grateful. So thank you, all of you who have been so supportive.